New Green

I love this time of year. In Kentucky, it’s just getting to be the end of spring and the start of summer. I love the green colors you see everywhere. It’s not just any green, it’s "new green," it’s the fresh green of new life, not mold green, or snot green, or baby diarrhea green, or even the aged green of late summer (which is a great season as well, but different). But there’s something about the "new green" that’s exciting. Susie is not green at all (she’s only been green twice that I know of during her pregnancy). But she has that “new green” look to her, the look of expectancy and new life. I thought I was in love with her when I married her but the idea of a part of me living in her has only deepened my love and devotion for her and my attraction and attachment to her. She’s a hot mama! Tomorrow’s another doctor’s appointment, and then we get to have another ultrasound in a couple weeks.

Take 45 seconds and watch this video; you may have seen it before. It’s pretty funny. (Short disclaimer: I am not advocating the product being advertised or any improper actions that would necessitate the use of said product, it’s just a funny commercial.) I’ll get to my point after you’re done.

We’ve all seen (or maybe been a part of) a scene similar to this. Ironically, when I see something like this, I usually stick my nose up at the parent that’s with the kid. And a lot of the time the parent has the same look the guy in the video did – dumbfounded, bewildered, and embarrassed. But I’m about to be a parent, and there may come a day when I’m THAT parent. And as I started thinking about the possibility of being party to a public tantrum thrown by my own flesh and blood it made me wonder how I would react.

I’ve unfortunately seen too many parents lash out at a misbehaving child either verbally, physically, or both. I think a reaction like that has a lot to do with embarrassment. I can’t say I’d be smiling, but thinking about this makes me wonder about how much stock I put in what other people think about me. I mean, who are we making the effort to please here?

I’ve addressed this more thoroughly on a previous blog, that there is only so much Susie and I can do when we raise our child to ensure that he’s well-adjusted, polite, God-fearing, etc. A lot of it is ultimately up to our child and to God. I believe that we have a large affect on our child’s development and in no way do I shirk that responsibility, but at the end of the day, he’ll have to make his own choices. So what if one day that choice is to throw a tantrum in the mall?

I was reading through Galatians in an attempt to find an answer to a question my friend Sally had brought up about grace and the following verse jumped out at me. I had this blog subject on my mind and it’s amazing how God brings you to what He wants you to see if you’re faithful to read his word. Galatians 1:10 says, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Wow, that’s extremely convicting. Who are we trying to please in the first place?

The word “still” indicates to me that we are predisposed to please men, that it’s part of our sin nature. I’m not saying we should disregard others; that flies in the face of Mark 12:29-31 and many other instructions Jesus gave us regarding loving other people. But is our focus on what others think? Does that drive our actions and thoughts and motives? I honestly can’t say that everything I do is with the intention of pleasing God over pleasing man. And this verse indicates that if I’m trying to please men, I’m not a servant of Christ and I'm living according to my sin nature.

So do I wash my truck and mow my yard because I want people to be impressed with what I have and to think I have it all together, or do I do those things because I am blessed and desire to take care of the material things that God has blessed me with? Do I go to the gym and exercise because I am concerned with my outward appearance or because I recognize that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit as it says in 1 Corinthians 6:19? Do I play my guitar or speak at church because I want the spotlight and enjoy being in front of people or because I want to honor God with the talents that He has given me? These are just a few things, but they are ones that I continually ask God to help me keep in check because it’s so easy to let vanity drive action. It could be something completely different that you struggle with, but we all have something.

So when my kid acts up, am I embarrassed because people are looking at me and I feel like my kid’s behavior is a bad reflection on me as a parent and that’s the most important thing to worry about? Because if other’s impressions are paramount then my reaction to my kid’s disobedience is in danger of being a worldly and sinful reaction because it’s not rooted in grace and God’s desire to raise a child in righteousness. But if I understand that my identity is in Christ and not how people perceive me because of my kid’s actions then I can react in a Godly manner that will be beneficial in training my child in righteousness. Now….do I think that will be easy? Not in the least. But if I can go into this thing with prayer for God’s help to maintain that mindset, I will be more likely to react correctly.

Wow, kind of a deep one today. And I’m not claiming it to have it all figured out either. Far from it. I know there are parents out there reading this, and plenty of people wiser than me, so I’d appreciate any advice if you have any. Thank you for all prayers coming our way for a healthy baby and a healthy mommy. I praise God for this exciting “new green” time in our lives.

Delainey Grace Peach

So I’ve been mulling this over and editing it in my mind and on paper for over a week now because I want to make sure and get this right. I’ve had other things on my mind to blog about, but I wanted to write this first out of respect for the Estes family. Last week (the week of April 28th) was such a surreal, incredible, different, intense, difficult, heartbreaking week and it really is tough to put into words all the feelings and emotions, but I want to try.

We have some dear friends from church that went through something that I would never wish upon anyone, and their attitude and countenance reflected and continues to reflect the grace and love of God more than I would ever hope to under the same circumstances. I am in awe of God’s unfailing promise to sustain us in hard times after observing this family.

One of the first kids in the youth group here that Susie and I met and became attached to is a girl named Jaci Peach. She faithfully came to our house every week when we hosted a Bible study for 7th and 8th graders. Her mom and step-father, Denise and Jeff Estes, have also become close friends as well as her two older brothers Coy and Colton. Last fall we found out that Jaci was pregnant. Denise considered it important to tell us face-to-face because she knew that we had been trying to have a child of our own. The manner in which she handled that and was thinking of us and our feelings when her world was just completely turned upside-down blew me away. She wanted to make sure that we didn’t have any hard feelings toward Jaci or feel like it was unfair that a 15-year-old's irresponsible act had accomplished what we had been trying for. We assured her that we completely supported them and didn’t have any anger or feelings of injustice in our hearts. This act by Denise and Jeff made it a no-brainer of who in Owensboro we wanted to tell first when we found out Susie was pregnant. We shared hugs and tears and the common bond of pregnancy drew Susie and Jaci closer.

Over the course of Jaci’s pregnancy it was discovered that her baby, Delainey Grace, had a chromosomal disorder, which could manifest itself in any number of ways, including cleft palette, lack of muscular development, mental retardation, and a host of others. They also determined that Delainey’s heart had holes in it and one valve was leaking backwards. If that wasn’t enough, Delainey also had begun developing fluid in her abdomen and on her brain. The doctors told them that she probably wouldn’t live once she was born, if she made it that far. They gave her the option of terminating the pregnancy and Jaci never wavered in her decision to keep Delainey and to raise her no matter what her condition was.

Throughout the pregnancy the Estes family leaned heavily on their friends and family for support, but it was apparent that their strength came from God. I don’t know how many times I heard Jeff or Denise say that they would be going crazy if it weren’t for God’s sustaining grace. We had many conversations over the phone and over meals and just while spending time together. These conversations continued to amaze me. They were a true picture of faith and trust.

This situation hit especially close to home for Susie and I, especially after finding out about our impending arrival. For months this family and their circumstances occupied my mind and prayers probably more than anything else outside of Susie and our baby, and a lot of times probably more. It added more anticipation to each of our doctor’s visits and tests that Susie encountered, and all along the way I kept feeling incredibly blessed and spoiled to continually receive good reports about Susie and our baby.

Delainey faced one medical obstacle after another and somehow faithfully kept trucking on toward the due date. It was amazing to observe because somehow, against all medical odds, she was surviving and moving closer and closer to life outside the womb. The biggest fear was that because her heart had holes and leaks, it’s pumping wouldn’t be able to overcome the air pressure in her little lungs once she was born and took her first breath of air. The family continued to drive the three hours to Lexington weekly to receive specialized attention and undergo many tests to prepare for Delainey’s arrival.

The Cesarean was scheduled for Tuesday, April 22nd. I was out of town with work, but was having a hard time keeping my mind on task. Several people from our church went out to Lexington and we had a network of calls and text messages to keep us informed. Delainey Grace was born that afternoon. You can visit this link to see pictures of her and get the most accurate updates from Jeff and Denise. We were amazed at God’s miracle and praised Him for the new life.

Over the following weekend Delainey started weakening and the doctors presented the option of putting her on a ventilator or just letting her go. Jeff and Denise gave Jaci the decision to make and she was not going to give up on her daughter. However, over the next couple days she kept getting weaker and weaker. Finally, on April 29th, a week after entering this world, Delainey Grace flew home to Jesus.

Late that night we joined a number of church friends and family at the Estes’ house when they returned from Lexington. I was a little unsure whether Susie’s now large belly would be a source of grief for Jaci. Over the months of Jaci’s pregnancy one thing I continually prayed for was that no matter what happened, that she would become a more mature Christian and human being. When they got out of their car Susie and I both hugged Jaci at the same time. She buried her face in our chests and the first words out of her mouth were, “I can’t wait to love on your baby.” Once again I was completely blown away by how many ways those few words completely eased our hearts and showed the measure of maturity she had gained. Her heart was heavy with sorrow and yet she showed her true colors.

Denise came over to us and quietly said, “Everything is going to be alright, God has taken care of us and He’ll continue to take care of us. Everything is going to be alright.” Before we left early the next morning Jaci, in the midst of her grief, had made a pile of baby stuff she wanted us to have, and called us last weekend telling us they had another pile of clothes and furniture for us and our baby. It completely broke my heart; I didn’t want the stuff, I wanted Jaci to have her baby. I had a hard time coming to grips with accepting these things, but they repeated over and over that instead of taking them somewhere like Goodwill they wanted them to belong to a baby that they would love. I can’t begin to tell all the stories of times and situations where I was amazed by the spiritual maturity and growth this family radiated. It would take weeks to write them all down.

However, one notable story took place in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), when Jaci was troubled and questioning why God would allow this to take place and allow her baby to be unhealthy and weak. These are natural questions for a human being. Denise told her that maybe God wanted to use this situation to bring people close to Him, and maybe God had someone special in mind that He needed to draw close to Him through this. As she finished saying this one of the NICU nurses walked over and said “I’m the one God is talking to in this story. I’m the one who’s attention He’s getting.”

Two days later Bridgepointe Church was host to an incredible time of grief, heartbreak, pain, healing, and hope. And today is Mother’s Day. Our pastor Steve spoke on 1 Samuel 1 and Hannah’s persistence and righteousness in praying for a son. My heart continues to hurt for Jaci and her parents, and I continue to uplift them daily whenever I think about them.

And over a week later I still have unresolved questions in my head: Why was this family chosen to bear this burden? Why was Delainey the one who was unhealthy while our baby continues to show signs of health and growth? We’ve had fun and stayed busy and yet these types of questions continue on and on in my mind like a skipping record, as well as others more specific to the situation. I’m sure they’ll continue. And do you know what I keep coming back to? I keep hearing the words to a song that we sang in church this morning that originated from Job. “You give and you take away, you give and you take away, yet my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name.” Job had lost everything, from possessions to family to health, and he still chose to praise God. And at the beginning of Chapter 42, he essentially tells God that these things are “too wonderful for me to know.” He tells God that His ways are too wonderful to understand and as humans we can’t allow our circumstances to get in the way of awe of Him. When we’re blessed, we praise God. When we undergo times of grief, we praise God. Amazing. So many times do I allow temporal circumstances to govern my countenance.

I love Jeff and Denise Estes, I love Jaci Peach, I love her brothers Coy and Colton, and I love little Delainey Grace. This family has taught me so much about displaying true, Job-style faith and trust in God and His grace. I am blessed to called them my friends.

It's been a while......

So I’m back. It’s been a while. Man, time flies, doesn’t it? Our son is now 26 weeks old! We are less than 100 days out! Susie is getting bigger and bigger. I was out of town last week for work and I swear she added three pants sizes while I was gone. My drawers might be too small for her now. And I’m officially addicted to her belly. I love feeling the baby bounce around and throw the occasional elbow at my ear when I’m in close for a listen.

One major relief new to us today is the fact that Susie passed her second glucose tolerance test! Two weeks ago she took the standard glucose tolerance test. After fasting, they took a sample of her blood, she drank a nasty sweet orange drink, and then after an hour they took another sample of blood to determine how well her body processed the sugar. The test results came back with a higher glucose number than the doctor wanted, so they scheduled her for a three-hour glucose test last week. Same procedure, but the drink was much stronger and nastier and they took samples every hour for three hours. NO FUN! Well, we found out today that she passed with flying colors, which is a huge praise to God because if she failed she would’ve had to attend a gestational diabetes class; just something extra to do and deal with. She’s a trooper. I’m so glad I’m a guy because I’m too much of a pansy to go through a pregnancy. This whole thing has given me another level of respect and admiration for my amazing wife.

We’re both finishing up our spring semester at school, which has added a little busyness to the schedule. But we still found time yesterday to set up the crib in the baby’s room!

Every little step we take makes it more and more real in my mind, and I just keep getting more and more excited. And every thing we bring in the house and set up in the baby’s room makes Chili more and more curious. Today he convinced us to let him try on one of the baby’s hats. He’s going to be a great big brother!

Since my last post we’ve also experienced another major answer to prayer. One thing we were uncertain about was childcare for our son when Susie goes back to school this fall. Well, Susie was able to meet the Baptist Student Minster on campus at IU, and he and his wife have a baby that’s about five months old. She is interested in watching our son when Susie is in class this coming year. We are so excited to have a house for the baby go to where they already have all the “baby” things, where he’ll get a lot of personal attention, where he’ll get a little baby socialization, and where he’ll remain in an atmosphere where Jesus is the center of the house. God is great, and I remain astounded at how He continues to provide for us.

I guess it’s been a while because I keep thinking of other things to update: Susie was required by IU to have their health insurance as a student. Well, we found out that this student insurance covers some of what my insurance doesn’t, which eases some of our financial load. Again, God is faithful.

So here we are, and I am again promising to be more faithful in the future to post more regularly. Thanks to those who have encouraged me to write more by saying they enjoy the blog. We’re sitting in a brand new local coffee shop near our house, and it’s the perfect atmosphere to blog. So hopefully we can carve out more time to come down here soon and I can continue to get my thoughts out. I still have a lot floating around in that empty space up there, and I can’t wait to put it in writing. Thanks for reading.

Colorado Baby Shower

A couple weekends ago Susie and I were able go to Colorado for the weekend. It was a lot of fun to get to spend time with family and friends. My buddy Matt Hall and his wife Moya are due within a week of Susie, so it was great to see them and compare pregnancy notes. We got a couple of pregnant tummy pictures, which are becoming more and more fun as the tummies get bigger and bigger.
But the real reason we went is because of the baby shower that was being held for Susie. I was completely blown away by the generosity and selflessness of the women that held this shower for Susie. I not sure but I think it’s been since I was in elementary school (or pretty much as long as I can remember); my mom has been meeting with a prayer group made up of other moms. Most of these women were moms of my friends and other kids that went to my school. These women are the most diligent prayers I know. One of these ladies (Kathy Hall, Matt’s mom, on the left), along with another lady (Jan Hogan) whose family has been a friend of ours as long as I can remember decided they wanted to throw Susie a baby shower.

When I heard that I thought it was a pretty cool idea. A lot of them have been like family to me for a long time, but I was still a little surprised, since a lot of these women don’t really know Susie personally that well. But a lot of these ladies do have a close connection with her because of their prayers for me (for a wife) and then their prayers for her since we’ve been married and through all of our adventures together.

I knew these women were generous and thoughtful and caring and happy for us as an expectant couple, but I was completely unprepared for what they had in store for Susie. Baby showers are about the coolest things for expectant dads, because we completely rake in the goods and we don’t even have to show up. I went snowboarding at Eldora with my dad that day and had a great father/son time (I can’t wait to share times like this with my son) (and I had some time to myself to take pictures of the scenery as my dad was off the run somewhere to the right watering a tree). But, like I said, I had no clue how much raking in Susie and I were going to be doing that day.

These women treated Susie like a daughter and went completely over the top in generosity with their gifts. We are truly blessed to have friends like that. When you look in the newspaper or just listen to conversations during everyday life, you tend to mostly hear stories about bad things happening and people doing bad things in the world around us. A deed like this isn’t going to make any newspaper front page, but it deserves to be recognized for what it is: a selfless act by a group of selfless women that will be remembered for a lifetime. These ladies spent days preparing a party for Susie with absolutely nothing in it for them. They gave of themselves without expecting anything in return. So a BIG THANK YOU to Kathy and Jan, and all the other women that made have made Susie a part of your family through your prayers, support and selflessness. People like you are too few and far between. You are the kind of person that I try to be.

PS - My sister Amy and her husband Paul got us the onesie with no right arm hole I had requested so our son can learn to be a lefty. Haha. Now we just have to work on that curveball.

Stall Seat

I’m sorry, I have to share this picture with you (thank everything holy for camera phones). Here’s the setting: I’m in Nashville and I’ve got a little time to kill before I meet up with some friends to see Mike Doughty play at the Exit/In. So I head to the Whole Foods at the Hill Center, which is an upscale shopping area in southwest Nashville (Susie and I really miss having a Whole Foods/Wild Oats-type grocery store to go to on a regular basis). This Whole Foods is huge, it’s two stories and has a grill, a cooking school, and a coffee bar with free Wi-Fi (which I still can’t seem to connect to); it’s like a Six Flags over Organic Foods.

So upon arrival I go to relieve myself. I don’t know if I noticed this because with Susie being pregnant I’m noticing kid and baby things more often, or if I noticed this because it was so over the top. I look at the side of the stall and there’s a car seat bolted to the wall. Now, I can see this being useful if you have to actually tie your kid down to keep them from running off – we had a dog named Coco once that was like that. But can you imagine being the poor kid in that seat? “Here you go little Johnny, now just sit here and watch your dad drop a deuce.” Crazy. Does anyone else find this extremely funny/weird/scary/etc? That poor kid is suddenly thinking, “Man, if I’d only agreed to stand quietly by myself outside the stall instead of making Dad chase me through the store, especially after he had that big burrito for lunch.”

I am not my own

I’ve been feeling very weak and vulnerable for the last few days. I’ve had a fever with a cough, nausea, aches, congestion and sleeplessness since Friday; I haven’t set foot outside our house since I got home from work Friday afternoon. I hate being sick. I like to think I can set my own schedule based on my own priorities and when I’m laid up for a few days it’s humbling. As the clouds start to lift it feels like I’ve just stepped out of a painful and foggy time warp that I entered about Friday at lunchtime. I feel like a wimp and a hypocrite for taking Theraflu and Tylenol after going well over three years without any prescription or OTC medications. I’m sick of lying around and feeling worthless to the world. There were a number of things I didn’t get to do last weekend that I wanted to do. I didn’t get to go to the doctor with Susie today. Susie’s mom and dad were in town this weekend helping out around the house and I didn’t pay them any attention or give them any appreciation for their help. I guess that’s a whole paragraph to say that I’ve been spending too much time focusing on myself and feeling sorry for myself.

And this afternoon as I was thinking about this, I kept coming back to these verses in my mind: I Corinthians 6:19-20 “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” We’re doing a study about sex, dating, and relationships on Wednesday nights with our youth. This is a verse that I’ve been bringing up week after week. But how much have I been taking it to heart as I wallow in my self-pity? I am not my own. That means giving up control, which is hard to do, which is what I’ve been wrestling with this weekend. It’s also hard to do as Susie and I look forward to the birth of our son.

This last Wednesday night we had an outstanding guest speaker at youth named Kaleb Carter. One point he made that kept sticking with me (at least the one that relates to my post) is that Susie is not mine. Susie is God’s; I just get the most enviable job of taking care of her and loving her the best I can while we’re on this earth together. If someone lends me their Ferrari, I’m not going to trash it and return it to them all crashed up and scarred. How much better than a Ferrari is Susie, and how much more worth does she hold to me and to God? And this only makes sense: if I myself am not my own, how can I call Susie my own?

So if I’m not my own, and Susie is not my own, then the child inside of her is definitely not my own. What a commission that last sentence holds for Susie and I! I can’t wait to see what this baby looks like; what features it takes from me and what features it takes from mom. But I understand the stark responsibility in front of me, which I guess is why my nervousness comes into play at times, and why I fear for the safety and well being of this child. It was hard not going to the doctor’s office today. I couldn’t wait to hear the report from Susie and was absolutely relieved to hear that the doctor is very pleased with both her and the baby’s progress.

But more than fear of something going wrong with the baby’s health, I’m fearful of my selfishness getting in the way of my responsibility to our (God’s) child. I don’t see any worse way to fail as a father, and a weekend like this has brought me face to face with that selfishness that I need to root out. So for that I’m thankful, and as the clouds start to lift and I start thinking about moving back toward life’s everyday tasks, I ask God that I would be worthy of the child He’s giving us to care for. I am not my own.

It's a........

Well, I haven't been posting a lot lately, and it's mostly been pictures. The substance hasn't been there, and I'll get back to that as soon as I can; there's still a lot swirling around upstairs. I want to post more right now, but we're headed out the door to play at a church tonight; I just wanted to get some pictures up and share the great news.

We showed up and the technician plopped the Doppler down into the dollop of jelly on Susie's tummy. I wasn't even five seconds later that she froze the screen and there, plain as could be, was the evidence. "It's a boy!" There was no way to debate that fact. The next 20 minutes or so were exhilarating and emotional, getting to see his little heart beat through all four chambers, watching him move his arms and legs around, and just being amazed at the wonderful design of our Creator. I was amazed at the clarity and resolution of the pictures, and I've posted them below (except for the evidence of gender, this IS a family blog). :)

Enjoy!